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The John
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Their Special Bitch
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American Broadcasting Company (ABC)
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“Who wants to blow up a millionaire game show?” Cripes. I’ve seen a snippet of this show once, and it featured full-screen shots of Regis’ and the first contestant’s nasty, stinky, gnarled-up feet. Who the hell wants
to see that??? This is the highest-rated show? “Final answer?” I’ve got your final answer right here, Leechis. Look to “Win Ben Stein’s Money” for how to do a good game show, if there really can be such a thing. (3/16/2000)
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Apple Computers
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Their computers are fruitier than San Francisco. They, like Sega, are doomed. Similar to Sega, their only possible salvation lies in sleeping with the enemy: port the MacOS to the x86 platform. No serious computer
user is ever going to give up the expandability, flexibility, and affordability of the x86 platform - but most are screaming out for a better operating system.Whether MacOS beats Windows 2000 is debatable, but folks
are sick to death of Microsoft. The best operating system (FreeBSD) is too complex for Joe Newbie. The best GUI-based (BeOS) is too unknown. Apparently MacOSX is built on top of BSD - so they oughta take FreeBSD,
port their GUI, port SoftWindows, and sell it for $50. They’d be set for years. (3/16/2000)
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Banner ads on web sites
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C’mon, does anyone really click on these? They just clutter your screen and slow down your browsing. Fortunately, there is a solution: www.junkbusters.com - grab the Junkbuster proxy, and you can get my blockfile by anonymous FTPing to groucho.org. Very cool. (3/16/2000)
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Bruckheimer, Jerry
(film producer)
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C’mon, Jerry, how stupid do you think we are? This guy is the producer of many of the absolutely dumbest, most insulting to the audience’s intelligence pieces of crap movies. Top Gun? Days of Thunder? Con Air? Armageddon? Enemy of the State? These are some movies that really assume that the viewers are totally brain-dead. (3/16/2000)
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BTC, current suppliers of CD-ROMs to Creative Labs
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In my spare time, I build computers for people. Good computers. For quite a while, I had good success using Creative Labs “kits” - including sound card, CD-ROM, and sometimes speakers. CL used to use Matsushita
CD-ROMs - sure, they’re no Plextor, but they did pretty good. Then they switched to BTC. Immediately, it seems a bit sloppy and slower than the Matsushita. The first one jammed open while I was still installing
software on the computer. I tried to get CL to cross-ship a replacement, no go. So I ship it back. They lose it. Finally they find it and send me the replacement. In the meantime, I went to the local CompUSA and
bought a non-BTC CD and put that in the computer I built, and used put the replaced BTC in my PC. I order another CL combo kit, thinking maybe it was a fluke. Nope, one is DOA - no power. I send it back and get two
replacements. (Oops on the retailer’s end!) These work - shortly. One stops being recognized by the computer after a couple days. I get an RMA from CL. A few days later, the original warranty replacement, in my PC,
sticks open. Another RMA. So I send ‘em both back. At this point, it’s taken seven CD-ROMs to get three working ones. That’s a pretty crappy ratio. (3/16/2000)
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Brickell, Edie
(musician and wife of Paul Simon)
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Paul Simon before marrying Edie Brickell: Genius singer/songwriter. C’mon, Graceland is one of the greatest albums ever recorded.
Paul Simon after marrying Edie Brickell: A dried-out husk of a man. A failed Broadway play, no stand-alone albums, and an announcement that he’ll never tour again.
C’mon back, Paul! Dump the bitch and get back to your glory days! I can see someone like Paul McCartney retiring - hell, his voice now sounds like he’s been gargling hornytoads for the past two decades - but
Paul, you still sound great. It’s a crying shame that the huge-mouthed bitch Edie has sucked your brains out just like the midget from “Bloodsucking Freaks.” (3/16/2000)
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Cruise, Tom (actor)
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A bigger cancer on the movie industry than Keanu Reeves. ‘nuff said. (3/16/2000)
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Excel Telecommunications
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These guys are like the Amway of telecomm companies. They have Joe Blow on the street try to sell their friends (soon to be former friends) Excel pagers and long distance. We got them... what a nightmare. Never do
it. Thank God that our year commitment is finally up. For less than the pager cost, we’ve now got a Sprint PCS phone with gobs more usefulness. Sprint rules, Excel drools. (3/16/2000)
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Garner, Jack (Rochester Democrat & Chronicle movie reviewer)
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This goddamn tub of lard has someone had the job of movie reviewer for the Rochester D&C for many years now - I sometimes even see this wretched mess quoted on Rotten Tomatoes, which is more than he deserves. Not
only is he just plain wrong about 85% of the time, he’s not fit (no pun intended) to be a movie reviewer. I’ll never forget his review of “A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge.” This was it: “Garbage movie
begets garbage movie. Not reviewed, and I intend to keep it that way.” First off, ASSHOLE, it’s your job to review movies. If you’re telling us that you know that it’s a garbage movie without even seeing it, well,
that’s about as stupid as a movie reviewer can get. So you hate horror movies - they’re still movies, there are good ones and bad ones, and if you can’t tell the difference, friggin’ quit. For the record: A
Nightmare on Elm Street (which you refer to as “garbage” in your two-line “review”) is a very good horror movie. The sequel does suck, but I can say that - I’ve seen it. (4/5/2000)
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General Motors
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Three letters: DRL. What is this, Canada? Daytime running lights do not equal safer cars. If higher visibility is your idea of safety, why not paint every car safety orange with strobing Christmas lights on it?
That’ll insure that everyone notices the car. And hopefully hits it. (3/16/2000)
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id Software
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Nothing brings me greater joy that seeing Unreal Tournament outselling Quake 3. The Quake series has living on borrowed time way too long. The original Quake? Terrible single-player game, buggy (requiring a zillion
patches), and saved only by GLQuake (for us original Righteous 3D owners, back in the infancy of 3Dfx) and the mods. Quake 2? Iffy single-player, even buggier - it took, what, a year to release a “final” patch that
was STILL flaky? Meanwhile, the id employees talked like they owned the world, bad-mouthed everyone else, and basically acted like spoiled babies. Fortunately, we now have Unreal, Jedi Knight, Requiem, Half-Life,
Sin, Aliens vs Predator, and of course, the masterpiece, Unreal Tournament to show id that they are not the kings of true-3D FPSers. (3/16/2000)
Having now played Quake 3 to the end of the single-player
campaign, I can without hesitation say that yes, Q3 sucks ass. Just plain TERRIBLE. Even in 32-bit color. Even on a Voodoo5. It’s pants. Oh, and Heavy Metal: FAKK2? Pants. Dues Ex, using the UT engine? Not pants. I smell a trend. (8/24/2000)
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Lucas, George (director)
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What the hell, George? Why no Star Wars on DVD? Cripes, us Star Wars fans have bought Star Wars on enough different formats and different versions before, why not give us one more? Friggin’ prima donna. Even
Spielberg, that self-important over-rated crackhead is supporting DVD full-time now.
And what is up with goddamn “Jar Jar”? Ewoks were bad enough, but Herr Binks takes the cake. Puh-leeze. (3/16/2000)
Update:
He’s relented, and the Star Wars movies should be on DVD in 2001. Oh well, at least I have the trilogy laserdiscs to watch until then. Probably will after, too, not likely that the DVDs will have the original cuts,
just the “Special Edition.” Bleah. (04/28/2000)
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M.A.M.E. (Multiple Arcade Machine Emulator)
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Don’t get me wrong, I love MAME. But with the over 1,000 games supported, they still don’t support one of my favorite shoot-’em-ups - Thundercade. An old MAME in progress report mentions Thundercade, but nothing
since then. It’s not that sophisticated a game, it can’t be that big of a deal to emulator. Chances are all the code is already written, for other games. Just do it, MAME! (3/16/2000)
FINALLY!
It took 3.7b5, but finally, MAME not only supports Thundercade, but runs it! Oh happy day. Now if I could only figure out how to get the claimed “autofire” of the unofficial MAME32 build to work... (8/24/2000)
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Man, The
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He’s always trying to hold me down!!! (3/16/2000)
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Monolith Productions
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Shame, Jason Hall, for making a masterpiece like Blood (competing with Duke Nukem 3D for the prize of greatest 2.5D FPS ever), then following it up with the lukewarm, disappointing Blood 2: The Chosen. While us fans
were hoping for a quality sequel that did the original proud, like Jedi Knight did for Dark Forces, we were left with this. Very sad. (3/16/2000)
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reel.com
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What used to be a great place for getting DVD bargains has dwindled into mediocrity. Their customer support isn’t exactly revolutionary, but more importantly, there are no more coupons, their selection isn’t complete
(look to DVD Express for the harder-to-find stuff), there’s no more 50% off list, and there’s no more 40% off all pre-orders. Bah. (3/16/2000)
Now they’re out of business. Bought by buy.com. How...
amusing. buy.com has their problems, but they usually get you your stuff in a hurry with a minimum of fuss. Hell, I’ve bought so much crap from them, they sent me a free T-shirt. Coincidentally enough, I’m wearing
it right now - but only because I was working on my car. (8/24/2000)
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Roberts, Julia (actress)
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This dog-faced gape-mouthed ho really needs to get over herself. Does anyone really find her attractive? She’s the only tramp in Hollywood who can walk through a whole movie wearing a belly shirt (My Best Friend’s
Wedding, which I got blackmailed into seeing) and have it still be unwatchable. (3/16/2000)
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Salt trucks (as seen every Rochester winter)
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Do we really need fifty pounds of salt per square foot on the road every time we get three snowflakes? Cripes, here in Rochester, NY, the roads - black in the fall - are always bleached white by the spring, the cars
are rusty (just in the past month, my exhaust pipe got hit with enough metal-eating salt to make it notably louder), the roads are rotten to pieces, our shoes and pants bottoms gets stained white, and good luck if
you’re stuck BEHIND a snow truck - it’s like being in a brutal hailstorm. What a nightmare. (3/16/2000)
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Sega (just changed to Sega.com - like that’ll help)
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Just roll over the die. No one cares about Sonic, no one cares about the Dreamcast. You know you’re doomed, just have the dignity to go out while your still solvent rather than trying to compete. The only way Sega
could survive is it they dumped the hardware end completely and focused on making games for the PC and Playstation 2 (possibly even the X-Box.) Slim chance of that! (3/16/2000)
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Subaru
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Europe gets the Impreza WRX STi series. We get a 2.5RS. C’mon, Subaru! America needs a few more hot-rod cars. We’ve got SUVs coming out of our ears, and legitimate affordable performance cars? Must-wang and
Scumaro/Fireturd are about it, and both are ‘60s muscle-car technology. Ditto to Mitsubishi for not giving us the Evolution series and Nissan for the Skyline series. Oh, and Mazda for stopping making RX-7s. (Not
that the last generation was affordable, but oh, was it beautiful.) (3/16/2000)
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Taco Bell
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If I see that goddamn dog one more time, I’m gonna hire Slim Pickens from Dr. Strangelove to drop a nuke on Irvine, CA, the home of Taco Hell. (3/16/2000)
Newsflash: Taco Bell has kicked their old
advertising agency (the ones that came up with that f’-ing dog) to the curb and now has a new agency, and apprently the dog will be gone (bar occasional cameos.) GOOD. I’d rather be eaten alive by blood-thirsty pit
bulls than watch another Taco Bell ad with the stupid dog. (8/24/2000)
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